The Foothold

Give it all to God. 

That has been a theme running thru my head for several weeks.

Today, I realized, thru a very painful process with my son not wanting to see me as he promised, again, and thru Ronnies words, these two important points.

1. I have given something very important to my children. They know I will always be here for them, as long as I am still here. 
 AND
2. Evil has a foothold in my life, thru my children.


I admitted today that I feel I am going into evil whenever I have dealings with Marj, Grace, and Buddy, who are under the influence of their father (who is the doorway for evil in my life) Which is probably why I secretly wished he, their father, would just “go away”. 
I felt the door would be closed. But I never believed it would be totally closed because the stepmother could always try to take them, so she is a door as well. 

So it is not the “door” that needs closing. It is my children that need to be replaced in my heart.

I need to give it, them, to God. 
But how? 
In what way? 
How do I not hurt anymore?  ( I don’t know where that question came from as I am writing this.)

As I am I know this.  I want to be in a “love” relationship with the children of my flesh. That looks like this to me. All of us being in a house that is shared as a home in spirit if not in the physical.  And ministering love to each other. I want to be "mommy" again.

When I picture their father and stepmother having this "love"  with my children  I boil inside and explode outside.

It is physically painful and emotionally torturous. I see my children being sucked into the black Abyss. And I scream at the evil I encounter.

That brings me back to ""Give WHAT to God? HOW?"  
I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. 
Is that the goal? Or an option?

I refuse to believe “painlessness” could be my goal. 
I seek God all day every day. 
I have seen Him thru my painful experiences in the past and present. 
I see Him bigger still thru each one. 
And now, the ripping pain for my children has exposed His face even more to me
.
If I give my children to Him, (still working on how ) then the FOOTHOLD evil has in my life will be broken and cast out of my life. 
And I will know my Creator that much deeper.

 Therefore, the pain will be removed in the light of His glory and grace, when I cast my gaze more upon His face.